“Don’t forget that your kids only grow up once. You don’t want to miss it.”
“Work and children will still be there after caring for your parents is over.”
If you are a caregiver for a perennial, you have probably heard variations on both these statements.
And although both statements are true, they do not help a caregiver determine what is most important on a day to day basis.
“No matter what I’m doing, I’m missing out on something else.”
“When I’m with my mom, I’m thinking about what I’m missing with my kids. When I’m with my kids, I’m thinking about what I’m missing with my mom.”
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For caregivers, it feels like it is all important, and there is no way to win.
So you must come to terms with the fact that priorities will change on a daily basis.
And that is ok.
Today, mom has a crisis and you will miss the kids’ basketball games. Tomorrow, the kids have awards day and you make sure you are there while mom spends time with a caregiver.
However, as you make these shifts…
You MUST talk to those in your life about what the priorities are. You cannot assume they will know or understand automatically.
Have conversations with your kids about why you are missing their events to help them understand your motivations and keep them from feeling ignored.
Talk to your spouse about why you cannot help with the kids. This may not make him happy, but at least he knows you care enough to have the conversation and that you are aware he is carrying the burden.
And talk to your perennials about where your boundaries are for caregiving. Boundaries can be difficult to discuss with demanding parents who have complicated health situations, but this makes them even MORE important to set.
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Will anyone ever REALLY understand what you are going through? Probably not, unless they have cared for their aging parents themselves.
But getting clear on what matters, and communicating those priorities with your parents, spouse, boss, children, and friends will make the day-to-day priority decisions easier and less guilt-ridden.
