Everyone should make their end of life wishes known. That is the only way you have any chance of getting what you want.

However, making these wishes known still does not guarantee that your end of life will go exactly as planned.

Things can (and will!) happen that derail even the best laid plans.

Let your family off the hook if this happens.

For example…

Jewel wanted to be at home.  She always said this.  And during the 40 years she lived alone after her husband died, she stuck to that idea.

Her kids tried to convince her to move to a retirement community, one of the big ones with golf and other activities.  They knew Jewel would benefit from the socialization.

But Jewel was clear.  She wanted to stay in her home.

Over the years, her health declined. She was less able to get out and about, and her social world shrank.  Her hearing was poor, so even talking on the phone was difficult. Eventually Jewel didn’t do much but sit and watch tv.

Jewel required help at home, and caregivers were brought in to assist her with meals and bathing.

But Jewel was still very sharp cognitively, and she was still very clear about what she wanted.

To be at home.

So when Jewel fell and fractured her pelvis and ended up in rehab, she was not happy.  Then two days later she died of natural causes.

Should the family feel guilty that Jewel died in a facility, rather than at home?

Definitely not. They did everything in their power to honor their mother’s wishes.

When Jewel said “I want to stay at home” what she imagined was that she would pass away peacefully in her sleep.

What she didn’t imagine is the long, slow, decline into poor health that is actually experienced with increasing age.

Most Perennials never imagine getting to a point where they will need help with basic, everyday tasks like getting dressed or going to the bathroom.

This failure of imagination means that perennials may ask, or even demand, that their families carry out wishes that are, quite frankly, unrealistic.

Statements like “Promise me you will NEVER place me in a nursing home!” are quite common.

The problem is we don’t know what the end of our lives is going to look like.  We know what we hope for, but that is often not what we get.

So yes, it is important to make your wishes known and to plan ahead.

But you should also give your family members grace and understanding that things may not go exactly as expected.